isnt punctuation and capitalization great it really makes me smile

I'm sorry. It's me, not you. We're just...grammatically incompatible.

A guy walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "What'll it be?" The guy replied, "One beer, please."

My connection is slow. Who's using all the internet?!

I could really go for some double entendre a la mode.

If you're not reading The Good Thief's Guide series, you need to be.

My PhD proving I'm a real doctor: http://sdrv.ms/IZt1AQ

Somebody has really been thinking over at our library.

I love my library. I just checked out an ebook, and I'm reading it on my TouchPad on the Kindle app.

I shouldn't have looked at the free section of Craigslist. I want to go get every one of those free animals.

I need ketchup.

There once was a poem about oranges
That...crap, what on Earth rhymes with oranges?

There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks all stopped at line two

An Irishman walks past a bar.

Sometimes you can't hear me. It's because sometimes I'm in parentheses. -Steven Wright

Well that's silly.