Well, I want to meta-doctor my Pre Plus, but it's my only phone, and I'm scared.

Your signal switch. It's about 3 inches behind your steering wheel. Use it.

Smokers can read, right? Or maybe they just slept through the parts of English class where they learned the words "no" and "smoking".

Shawn: 1, wood tick: 0.

Dear Mr. Wood Tick: GET OUTTA MAH SKIN!!! Sincerely, Shawn.

Who wants to come give me a massage? Hmm?

I need a massage.

@Minecraft I AM IN YOU!

Minecraft, here I come!

There's a fine line between wanting to protect your agents and actually going too far to protect them. Sometimes they mess up. Accept it.

All I see is you.

A/Cs and dehumidifiers going full tilt and it's still only down to 50% humidity inside my small house. Ugh, mold, here I come.

The IRT gods have been merciful today. Let's hope it stays that way.

I wonder if Churchill went as Captain Kirk during the Geneva Conventions.

Pyrithione Zinc stinks!

Twitter, Google, Yahoo... who names these, Dr. Seuss? via @ElectricCharli on Twitter.

Okay, so I shouldn't double post this time.

Where to find funny stories. RT @LOLbyte: Facebook and Google are pretty much the same thing right? http://bit.ly/nwh6Su

I thought of the greatest post in the world earlier, but I forgot it. This post is just a tribute to the greatest post in the world.

Gerunding is fun. grammarhumor ifyougetthatyouaremyfriendforlife

The cat is yelling at me for more food, but her bowl is clear full.

Does this double-tweet now?

My mom: "How did they decide a coxswain was the person who steered the boat? Whichever way the coxswain that's the way the boat's goin?"