It's 11:30 AM. Do you know where your alligator is?

Churches Chicken: The chicken is hot, the people are fresh. And that's not a compliment.

I feeling comfortable, baby, so why don't you feel the same? Have a doctor come and visit us, and tell us which one is sane.

Ugh. Stupidity. Severe stupidity. It's limitless, and shows up in every venue.

I just played two-player Boggle with my mom. She used my Pre Plus and I used my TouchPad. They talked to each other. That was pretty cool.

What about that n-nu-nucular reactor in Florida? "I thought that was in Georgia." Georgia's IN Florida, stupid. ~Idiocracy

Couldn't. Couldn't care less. If you "could care less", it means you actually care, and there are lower levels of caring available.

Me: I need to call Adam back. Mom: Why would you call him Back? His name's Adam.

What I possess in brains I make up for in social awkwardness.

Smells like rain.

The way to a man's heart is through his chest. It's right there behind his ribs.

"Awww, aren't you cute? How old are you?" I'm this many. *holds up 29 fingers*

For a good time, dial 900-OOOBAMA!

"And then I saw her face, and now I'm a Belieber! Not a trac--what? That's a boy? And his name is Justin?" *stares* "I don't Belieb you."

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean. Oh, what can it mean to a daydream Belieber and a homecoming queen?

Oh now I know why they type sentences as questions?! It's flipping fun?! Right!

Why I'm posting this sentence as a question, I don't know?

Y'all were watchin I take it? "Yes." Did you see us fight? "No." TRAAAAAP!!!

Moron 1 at the next table: Who the f*** puts cheesecake on their pancakes?! Moron 2: Uh...someone who likes cheesecake on their pancakes.

Only a jock could have come up with Jock's Nitch. Not only is it based on a mispronunciation of niche, but it's named after crotch fungus.

Don't fear the reaper.

Oreo just randomly fell off of the back of my easy chair. She wasn't doing anything. She was sitting there, and them blam!

Just finished watching Inception again. That movie gets more awesome every time I watch it.

Every time I type a five-letter word on a virtual keyboard, it sounds like the Terminator theme.

I always imagine my character steaming like hot coal when coming back from the Nether in @Minecraft.

I always imagine my character steaming like hot coal when coming back from the Nether in @Minecraft.

No, no, no. They got it all wrong. It should be called a cheddarBEST, not a cheddarwurst.

There is no such thing as a mute point. Don't say it again. Be mute about this point and use "moot" instead.

Anyone need some G+ invites? I have lots.

I don't know who Gene is, but he's the cause of a lot of birth defects. Somebody needs to castrate him. Or at least give him a vasectomy.

Me: Why did you just salt your napkin, mom? Mom: To keep my drink from sticking to it. Me: Oh. I just use my finger. *Mom rolls her eyes.*

I took a fish head out to the movies. I didn't pay to get him in.

Whoah.

What's everyone else doing? I can't think for myself so I'll just do what everyone else is doing. Baaaaa!

What's everyone else doing? I can't think for myself so I'll just do what everyone else is doing.

Does no one have toenail clippers that point outward any more?

OLD WOMAN I DEMAND YOUR FINEST BACON!!!

Ibuprophen is amazing.

Everything hurts. But it's a good hurt.

"You've been punching people in Minecraft since, like, alpha." ~Lewis

I think directors should get to make one movie where they get everything they want, just so they can see how bad their ideas actually are.

Khan's Eugenic-Os: the better-than-you cereal that helps you stay Regula!

Me: How did this get crushed? Did you play with this or did I step on it? My cat: *stares blankly* Me: Oh, the silent treatment, eh?

Reciprocate.

Omnom. PB&B sandwiches. Good birthday supper.

Classmates.com,

Why are you sending me memories from the 60s and 70s? I know and like them, but I was born in the 80s, so they're not mine.

Dear every other company in the world that makes chocolate milk,

THIS is how you make chocolate milk!

Sincerely,
Iwig

Dear Verizon,

STOP MESSING WITH MY SIGNAL!!!

Sincerely,
Shawn

Good day of family, barbecue, Boggle, and now Qdoba. I'm satisfied.

My mom: "Holy cross, Batman!"

I'm pregnant.

What did one ghost shipmate say to the other just before their ghost ship materialized on the water? "Man, ship's about to get real."

The bandits = Grendel. El Guapo = Grendel's mother. Santo Pulco = that little Viking village Beowulf defended.

Three Amigos = Beowulf x 3 + comedy.

What do you call a crew of crazy pirates captained by an undead guy in a hockey mask? Jason and the Arr-go-nuts.

I need the Pre³ very very very soon! This hairline crack by the charging port door is slowly spreading to my screen.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; I see you stand like greyhounds in slips. Or something like that. Greyhounds in slips?

This guy getting more pop at Taco Bell looks just like Philip Seymour Hoffman. No joke.

I shouldn't love you, but I do.

Want. Want badly. http://ping.fm/XRk4f

Hey, Alice, are you completely satisfied with Wonderland and all its wonders?

I wanted to take a bath with bubbles, but she never showed.

Spiders are amazing. One put her anchor line across my carport. I broke it by driving through. The next night, she moved it. Quick learner.